Trouble in Paradise

For around a year we have been having some problems in our relationship. This has shaken our very strong core, our very strong foundation. While there is trouble, it doesn’t mean that we don’t have good moments and are not trying to work it out. I have not shared anything with anyone because of many reasons. But lets break them down a bit.

Firstly, sharing a huge private thing with strangers, while feels completely okay with me, I respect our relationship and his need to be private. He is still finding it hard sometimes to navigate the fact that so many people know him through me.

Secondly, I realized that I had some internal misogyny stuck in me. So when dealing with the problem, in some ways, I started blaming myself about how I must’ve done something, how I wasn’t adequate, I had not done enough, or I was not creating the right environment, etc etc etc. Getting into a whole cycle of self blame. This kinda led to the issue never being solved because no one took complete accountability and it remained a quiet unresolved thing that we just ‘dealt’ with when it came up. But, this affected my mental health and self-esteem a lot! I just did not notice, because I was too busy trying to fix what I thought was “wrong” with me.

Thirdly, now that I realized the realizations of how I was self-sabotaging, I decided to talk things out more calmly and deal with them in a more mature manner. Yet, I did not share. This became such an internal process and I neither reached out to my therapist, nor my friends. My second stage of self blaming kicked in. If I, Masuma, have such strong values and ideals, how did I manage to let go and work through something so big? Isn’t it against my values? Am I then not living authentically? Am I not living what I am preaching?

Fourthly, my friends are his friends. We know common people. You all know him too! I have created an amazing “man” picture of him. “The ideal man”. So many people tell me they have more hope in men because of him, more hope in relationships because of him, more hope in “Indian men” because of him. I feel like I have made a god-like picture of him in front of my friends that I can’t dare distort that. Is it also an internalized misogyny of me wanting to protect his image?

While I work through my thoughts, I am realizing that I am human and so is he. It is not fair to create such an image of him because as humans we falter. The bigger work is how we correct those mistakes, how we own up to them, not blame each other or ourselves and how we choose what we value.

I am sharing this with his permission, not only because it has become a need for me to share but also let this out from my chest. It has been hard carrying it. It has been heavy. It has been a huge burden. Just saying this out relieves the burden and makes me feel like whether I am a feminist with extremely strong values, I am human too. I am still working on myself and my internalized learnings from society. I am still a human who can learn, do better and be better. Feminism also doesn’t mean non-tolerance. It means that it may be non-tolerance for bull**** but still tolerance for being human.

So while we work this out, and work on us, I make a renewed promise to myself to be truthful to myself and accept myself for being human. Self-sabotage is not a trait I want to carry.

P.S. Please don’t come to me for the details, this is not an invitation for gossip.