The non-linear growth
and yet it's a growth.
Every week my phone gives me a summary of how much time I spend on my phone on an average daily. It fluctuates mostly between 3 to 4 hours. That is a lot of time already, but if making a reel takes an hour, you can imagine why it adds up. Last to last week, it shot up to 8 hours! I was surprised to see it but not utterly shocked. I had been doing nothing the whole week. I sat in front of my laptop and yet opened my phone and doom scrolled through it. You must’ve thought I posted something worthwhile then at least. I did not! I did not make any reels, any posts, any particularly exciting stories, nothing that seemed very productive to me.
I had a deadline for paper submission for my studies, I had a newsletter to write so you could receive one last Friday, I had 2 weeks’ worth of more studying, and I had a book to complete, but I did nothing. Or so it seemed. It left me feeling useless and incompetent. It did not help that I was not very mobile after spraining my foot so there was no quick endorphin fixes through walks or yoga. In some ways, it seems a little unfair to say I did nothing because I hosted an end-of-year review meet, I made my vision board, I hosted a few guests, and I have helped at least 3 women with deeply upsetting stories. I do not know whether it was the other things that took too much energy, it was the lack of support in terms of my partner not being around, or the holidays that are coming up which is making it hard to concentrate. I have no idea! But I know that not completing these things did not give me a happy and restful space, they made me upset!
That is mostly because 1. I had planned productivity in a certain way in my head and 2. I did not treat myself as a human with emotions but as a machine that needed to complete the tasks. At the end of the week, not only did I beat myself up over not completing the tasks that I wanted to, but I also beat myself up over spending too much time on the phone.
My transition from a low state to a normal state involves a lot of ups and downs. Once the realisation struck, my first reaction was to feel worse. The fear of drowning back in depression at times is so strong, that it is the one that pushes me lower. But with the awareness and understanding, there also comes a need to get out and do better. Small self-care activities are my best friends. I started with yoga, even with an injured foot. Small entries in the journal. I went for the next game night because that’s an activity I love doing. I then started choosing module materials which were slightly more interesting and doable to get into the routine of studying again. I also shifted my attitude towards screen time… if I wanted screen time, I looked for a good movie or series to watch - which made me feel like I was learning something while I was on the screen! While I still had low times, the duration of the low times started reducing.
Healing is never linear. When we start from bad days, it takes a conscious effort on our part. Conscious and consistent effort. The bad days won’t go away but with the right tools, they will start reducing. And with enough effort and awareness, we will be able to build our resilience once again. Resilience to get through difficult parts of our lives without it leaving us incapacitated.
So whoever of you are feeling particularly low, find a tool or tools that have helped you in the past. Stay consistent with those tools and try others. Keep at it until it gets better. One day at a time, one tool at a time.
P.S. My best tool is travelling or following other people’s travels. If you enjoy that too, follow my current adventure on my Instagram page! Off I go on an adventure!!