I wrote this morning about how I have been feeling low. It’s a weird thing to write. I am over analyzing it now. Did I write that for attention? But I don’t really want attention. I don’t want to speak to you to tell you how I am feeling. I don’t want to use my energy to find more words to speak about it. I don’t want to think about the low feeling or maybe even acknowledge it completely. I also don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want you to make effort to make me feel better because that will make me feel worse - like a burden, like an extra work in your already daily stressful life. Most of you are stressed. So am I at the moment. I don’t have the mindspace for having to think of how to make a friend feel better - its hard and a lot of work. I don’t want you to have that burden of extra work.
But yet I want some attention. Don’t leave me all alone. I feel worse. The negative spiral thinking and self talk that I promised I will not do this year is back. I have called myself all negative names in the past two days that I haven’t dared to in all year. I am irritated with everything that brought me joy. My house, my body, my yoga, my partner, my friends, my cat and you all or my Instagram family. I want to be but I don’t. I want to be seen but I don’t. I want to exist but I don’t. I want to be like a shadow. Exist and be but behind you. No light on me, no attention on me yet there. Too much light, and I am gone. Too little, I can’t be seen. Too many people, I am lost.
I am also writing this because I am frustrated. It seems like a lot of people only focus on the fancy glamorous part of Instagram. Oh you’re traveling, Oh you’re living the life. Oh I am jealous. Oh I have fomo. No one reads about how numb I have been. That being in that beautiful space changed nothing for me - just showed me the mirror of how numb I was. That even being there, did not do anything for me. The reality behind those glamorous pictures is that you cannot escape your head and your inner demons. You travel and they go with you. Travel doesn’t change a thing until you change it. Travel doesn’t teach you a think until you are willing to learn.
I used to always write about this dark space after I come out of it. Today, I am struggling to ask for help. To talk about this even with loved ones. As I said earlier, I want yet don’t want attention.
So I decided to share it out more openly with everyone. We all have our bad days, but for some the low falls down quite deeply especially if you have been there before. Because it is so hard, and yet the need to feel heard is so much, this is becoming my go to space. Sending love to all those who have ever or are going through this low. Nothing is permanent and this will pass too. Love to me and love to you!