Relationship with money

and my little healing

I grew up in a middle-class household. We had a fancy big house that was built by my uncle and grandfather? I don’t know… and most of my school fees were paid by my uncle. My mum meanwhile struggled, worked, and ran the house. As a child, I don’t think I understood the struggles completely, but I knew I could not get anything when I wanted it. We were given pocket money for every week to spend in school or little things. I saved it! I never ever used it! I was the most stingiest person in the house. This is how my relationship with money started.

As I grew, I felt like I had no choice in my life - because Indian society but also because I was dependent on my family. Of course, I never got the chance to be independent - I got married before my 19th birthday! My ex-husband controlled all our finances and coerced me to work instead of letting me continue my studies - which was the original promise. While I worked, I had no financial freedom and all the money went to a joint account which he controlled. I realized all my freedom was connected to finances.

After getting separated, I struggled hard but had this terrible relationship with money. I was independent now, but was extremely worried about becoming broke or taken advantage of. I would ensure any date I go to, was shared so noone would take my agency again.

For the past 3 years, I have been financially dependent on my partner as I am studying - which he is funding as well. This was firstly, a huge blow to my self esteem and then a huge step back in my relationship with money. Everytime, and I am not kidding you… everytime I would have the urge to buy anything, I would shame myself from it. Even with an amazing partner who never made me feel guilty, controlled me or complained about money, I could not ever spend without the feeling of guilt.

I have now started earning a little bit from my yoga classes. The first few months did not even feel like it was my own earning and it would get completely lost within our total savings which was the aim anyways. But…. a few days ago, I was alone and waiting for my friends and I walked into the store of “little more”. The store that has tiny useless things or sometimes extremely useful things. Things that we can live without but yet they’re nice to have. I roamed around in the store with no intention to buy at all! But I noticed a few things like a holder of hot pots to keep on the table, a cute chopping board, a few fake flowers, and I picked them with no guilt, no self shame and no over thinking. It really was nothing. It’s not like I went and bought the next iphone or a car. I literally spent about 20,000tshs. But the liberation I felt while shopping without dealing with negative emotions was so much more valuable! I felt lighter, happier and free!

While I am still extremely mindful about my spending, to be able to do it without the shame is a new feeling that I am really embracing.

What is your relationship to money? Do you have any such stories to share? I would love to hear!