Procrastination and functional freeze

I have so many things I want to write about. My last trip to Dar-es-Salaam, an encounter with an old friend, this weird pain I have in my foot, like soooo many things! I write them all in my head but whenever I try to write it here, I don’t go beyond 2 sentences. Nothing feels correct and nothing flows. I almost want to stop here now.

I feel like this for a lot of things right now. My to-do list is quite full. Final year of university is quite taxing. I feel like I am barely pushing through. From deadlines to deadlines. The excitement for the yoga retreat is a breath of fresh air in between the mad days. You might have noticed me promoting it a lot more on some days and not so much on other days. The rest of my time goes in either distracted on Instagram, on the laptop, on my email, I think anything. I space out so often. Yet, I am proud of myself managing to be able to meet all of those deadlines, be it the University one or the retreat.

You may or may not relate to this, but because the to-do list is so long, so overwhelming, it is taking the joy of doing anything else and yet I can’t seem to get the thing that needs to be done, done. It doesn’t help that emotions are haywire. Periods unpredictable.

When I previously used to feel overwhelmed, I would look at a creative project to do. Paint something, move things around in the house, cook, record a new video. Now I stare at the wooden log I have telling myself, sticking flowers would look really cool. But not now, I need to finish the paper first. Let’s take an hour off colouring, no we need to finish this paper first. I realize that I am in a state of freeze. I am trying to avoid dealing with some emotions that have popped up. Or I just don’t understand and know how to deal with them again. These were emotions that I dealt with a while ago, and thought they were done. But they come up, in different circumstances or times if we really haven’t processed them well.

Healing, is never linear - it is like a moving spiral. You will come across and visit the same things over and over just with better understanding of it.

So, here I am sitting with my feelings and writing them down sharing with all of you to find some comfort but also hope to connect with anyone feeling in a similar way. We got this! We’ve done this before, and we can do it again! Also, this time of overwhelm shall pass!

Trust me, I am waiting for this yoga retreat even more now!!