Mental Health Day

while working on my own mental health

I have been more vulnerable in the past. Recently, I have been sharing my vulnerabilities a lot less. In honour of what I love doing, especially for Mental Health Day, I will share a huge vulnerable part of me. I still go through my ups and downs in my mental health, as everyone does, but my downs are a lot lower than what would be a normal down or low day.

A few weeks ago, I was going through one such down moment. I was feeling lost, with no purpose. My studies had not started. Yoga was not going great. Somedays there would be clients some days just one student. I have cried and pushed myself, but most days, I would have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. After yoga, I would get back into bed feeling like I had no other thing to do. I dwelled in self-pity and loneliness while pushing away friends and demanding attention from a partner who was going through a hectic period and burnout in his work - can you imagine the contrast?

No amount of rest or self-care was helping. No amount of nature and greenery was helping. The environment inside my head had become so terrible that I was not able to influence it using the environment outside. Back in Dar, I had my go-to therapists that I used to visit regularly and found help in my low times, but somehow back in Arusha, I felt disconnected from that help and actually felt lost.

What went in my head? How am I going through such a terrible time when I am a mental health advocate? I should know better! How am I not able to share and talk about it? I should know how to fix this. This all led to further self-demeaning behaviour and forgetting myself as a human but only as a mental health advocate. It was one of those terrible times that I took this picture. A proof of my vulnerability and a proof of my humanness.

Finally, I reached a low that I hadn’t seen in a long time. It felt like a deep eruption. I was tired of feeling low. The eruption was followed by a lot of crying, a sense of defeat and a sense of deeply needing help. I quickly then asked for help, reached out to my therapists, and was mindful of what I was feeling and what could be the reason behind it.

A few days later, I got my period and suddenly everything seemed to let go. A huge burden came off me and I felt lighter physically, emotionally and mentally. I realised that this was a cycle that could spiral out very quickly. Hormones affect emotions and emotions affect hormones.

I am with a lot of vulnerability, sharing this with you all this Mental Health Day to let you know that despite what I show on my social media as a fun happy person (which I mostly am), I also fall into deep dark holes which are human and very much present. I also sometimes fail to be the mental health advocate to myself until I hit a real low. I also acknowledge that as a woman reaching her 40s, my hormones are extremely important and will affect me and I will have to be more lenient to myself about it.

So, this Mental Health Day, take care of yourself, but also just learn to be more lenient and acknowledge that we are all humans, and we will at sometimes feel low even when we don’t expect it.

IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY!