I'm writing about it

because you told me not to

I have realised that I am subtly famous around people who know me from my past. I am notorious in their eyes for talking critically on various topics that are a daily conversation for them. I acknowledge that at times I live within my bubble and my friends understand my frustrations about patriarchy. The people I hang around with would definitely not make any sexist jokes. In many settings, if sexist jokes are said, I am quick to police and then educate and help them understand why they are wrong too. But I also sometimes, very rarely though, sometimes been in groups where people know me enough to know what I speak of, and what would irk me, but of course, would go ahead and happily have those conversations. Should I be educating them all? I wish but I think not. Most of them do not understand it and I would just waste my time arguing and hitting the wall around it. You would tell me, we live in a free country it’s free speech.

But, the worst of those cases are, when people KNOW, ACKNOWLEDGE what you speak of, and then actively tell you, now DON’T you go writing about this on your blog. This to me means that they know what they’re saying is problematic enough to go on my blogpost. This has been said to me a few times as a joke, and more often times out of fear that they’d get shamed on my profile. I am not ashamed today of coming here first thing in the morning and writing about it. Because it’s upset me enough to have to have the need to get it out of my system.

I wonder how I can go about normal social life if patriarchy is so much the norm. I wonder how I can meet old friends if talking about women is measured by how much '“they are used.” I wonder how I can meet a mixed group of people as equals if the final say is passed around by the men by saying, “Let’s share the bill between the men.” I wonder how I can be around fully grown middle-aged men who talk about very young girls as “maal” (pisi kali in Swahili or hot stuff in English). I wonder how I can hold conversations with people who basically just talk about other women in pity if they’re not with a man. I cannot!

I know this path I have chosen is quite a lonely one. If patriarchy and rape culture is the norm, then being the police in this is a lonely path. I may not be liked by many and I am okay with that. I know that some people who have said this to me will not like me writing this today and that is okay too.

But I will NOT accept any woman being judged by the number of men she’s dated, or what life path she has chosen, whether she has been divorced or chosen to remain single. I will NOT accept any creepo making comments about young girls like a piece of meat and I will absolutely NOT accept women being told that “they’re finished.” Oh, also fat-shamed in a way that she’s no longer good enough to look at.

So I guess if you will have such conversations, please don’t invite me.