Downplaying abuse
What is the level of abuse that is acceptable?
Recently, while talking to a woman in trouble, we spoke about how I relate to her because of what I have been through and she asked me, “What level was your abuse?” “I mean he has just hit me with slaps once and pushed me the time before. He hasn’t done anything else. Am I exaggerating if I say I was abused? Men do this all the time yeah? It’s the way they are!” At first, my reaction was shock! It took me a few seconds to register that here she was questioning whether she could categorise herself as being abused only because he hit her once forgetting that all these years, he had emotionally and mentally tortured her. After digesting what she said, I took a thought back instead of reacting, I thought of my experience.
I remember constantly downplaying the abuse claiming that he didn’t hit me anymore like he used to. I told myself he was changing forgetting all the emotional and mental abuse continuing. Once the physical abuse started again, is when I got the guts to say this is it! Why and how did I wait all those years? Why was I not able to leave the first instance it happened?
The answer mostly is because of how society has normalised this. Some of the things I have commonly heard are:
It was ‘just’ a slap.
He is mean but ‘at least’ he doesn’t hit you.
He cares for you that’s why he controls you.
Or the one that I was told… “at least he doesn’t cheat on you.”
These things are normal. Stop exaggerating.
It’s not like you’re the only one suffering in this world.
Many women have it so much worse!
I think the list is endless. The amount of sympathy we give to men whose wives want to leave them is astounding.
Do you know how I dealt with my pain after leaving? By reading books on women’s struggles. Stories from Afghanistan, Yemen and China. I would think of how much worse they have it and I would feel better about my pain. Only after talking to her, I realised that where I thought her pain was far much worse than mine, she thought the same about me. I realised how much we downplay our suffering because we’ve always been taught to be selfless and think about others first.
Thus, to all the women going through abuse in their life, be it from partners, relatives, parents, caretakers (especially partners), do not downplay the abuse. Any abuse is grave enough to be taken a step against. Whether it is forming boundaries, creating a safe space and environment or leaving. Do what needs to be done to be safe! If you ever fear in a relationship, then there’s abuse underlining somewhere. Address it immediately! Fear is not the basis of any relationship, respect is!
What other normalizing abuse words have you heard? Do share!