Do I have the permission?
Control or love
Last year my mum needed to go to Uganda for some work. She didn’t want to travel alone and thus asked me. What did I say? Of course, I said, yes! I absolutely love to travel! Mum got excited and made plans and even looked at the tickets. Just before buying the tickets, I realized I had not asked my partner yet. Now I am stressing on the word ‘ask’ because that’s exactly what I felt. I panicked and created all these scenarios in my head thinking what if he refuses? What will I tell Mum? She’s all ready and excited. Past trauma experience of making any plans without telling my partner used to end up guilt-filled days and plans being cancelled, with lots of pain and crying - especially when you have planned and got so excited about them!
I hesitated and did not mention it to him even when I went back home. Mum called later to remind me to get the tickets and I panicked further. My heart palpitating, my thoughts running in the most negative places, all I was practising in my head was how I would tell Mum that I couldn’t go. Once I got off the phone, he asked me what the matter was and I told him that Mum wanted me to go to Uganda with her. I quickly added that she’s paying for my ticket and we’ll stay together so you don’t have to worry about that. He looked at me realizing that I was rambling. I calmed down and said, “I’m sorry, I made plans without asking you first.” He obviously was super happy for me and encouraged me to stay longer so I could travel after our work was done.
And that’s when I realized how stupid I sounded! Yes, we always discuss things with each other but that doesn’t mean that he needs my permission to travel, to go out or to do anything and the same goes for me!
This reminded me of how many opportunities in life I lost because my previous partner did not “allow” me to do things. I had to ask permission before I signed up for a course, went to dinner with friends, or went to see my parents. I had to ask whether I could take the kids out to particular places and whether I could go out; travelling alone was out of the question. The funny thing is, in some countries, you need a husband’s permission when you choose to do something officially. Like getting a driver’s license, enrolling for a course, joining a job, etc.
Many of these conversations would end up in arguments, disappointments or guilt that I even asked in the first place. It felt like there was no space for my own enjoyment. In contrast, do they ever ask for permission? They go for sports, gym, work, meet friends, camping, impromptu dinner plans, or even late-night drives with their friends. The difference is that they “tell” us while we “ask.”
We women do not need permission to live in this world. It is our world as much as it is a men’s world. The idea of asking for permission is a way to control. Communication is absolutely necessary for relationships to work but it has to be two ways and equal. Love is about letting the other person grow not about control.