Do I deserve this?

Or do I have to fight for it?

For years now I have learnt to fight for my rights. For everything really. For existing in this world, for being a woman, for taking a break, for thinking of my mental health, etc etc. I had to fight for my freedom from a toxic marriage, I had to fight for my freedom from getting a divorce, I had to fight for my freedom of existing without being judged for not being married, I had to fight for my freedom to go off travelling without a purpose. I had to fight for my freedom to reject men when they showed romantic interest in me. I had to fight for my freedom to exercise or not exercise a religion. I had to fight to accept myself for who I am. And this fight continues, daily sometimes. We fight for big and small things. In my blog, my Instagram, and my conversations, I feel I am constantly fighting for being a woman and being able to exist without being questioned. And if I’m not fighting for myself, I am fighting for others.

Yesterday though something very different happened. I went to my yoga class in terrible period pain which was worse than my usual pains. I had no energy and my face and body showed all signs of enduring pain the whole day. Thus, you guys did not receive any newsletter either! My student immediately showed empathy and assured me that I could’ve cancelled. The problem is, we had other delays this week and the schedules of our classes were all haywire. I had committed to this and would not back out from delivering however terrible I felt. And she stopped me once more and said, “I understand this pain. It’s okay to have cancelled.”

I don’t know why I immediately teared up. I have spent so much time fighting to exist and be heard and respected, that when someone validated my pain without fighting for it felt so new. I was uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say. I was so touched but also realised how much we fight for things in our daily lives that we have forgotten how it feels to receive what we deserve.

The pains got worse and my evening was bad when my husband brought me a hot water bottle and some medicines and cuddled in with me to make me feel better. I once more felt guilty and bad for being on the receiving end of the care. I had to stop myself from that thought and tell myself, “Masuma, you deserve the care and empathy. Not every time do you have to fight for your rights. When you receive it, accept it!.”