A gift of Patriarchy

The female anxiety

Have you ever witnessed a big event happening in your house? Or maybe not so big event. You have called a couple of guests at your place. Now think of how our mothers were so stressed about it. They made sure every nook and cranny was cleaned. Everything is in its place. And while doing all that, they made sure all her famous food was cooked to perfection. There was a variety of dishes, from starters, and main dishes to drinks and desserts. There was no room for mistakes. In all of that, if you forgot a thing and left it out of its place, or didn’t put your clothes away when you came back from school or forgot something from the list you were asked to buy, you were in trouble. They were so anxious about the hosting, that it may mean nothing for the guests, maybe it was your classmates who wouldn’t really care if your house was dirty but everything ought to be perfect.

I’ve seen many women in their middle age to old age suffering from deep anxiety. Now this is especially observed in brown women. They have anxiety about everything in their house being perfect, the food being cooked perfectly on time, and their hosting so that they won't sleep from two nights ago. The day of a big day, maybe a house party, a move, a travel, whatever it might be, they are so stressed and anxious that it gets transferred to everyone around them. How is everyone so chilled while they are so anxious? This is a common phenomenon we might have seen in many around us. Our mothers, mothers-in-law, friends or even some of us ourselves.

The reason behind this anxiety is being in a constant state of criticism. Brown women once married have to act a certain way, have their house a certain way, sit a certain way, eat a certain way… it’s like their whole life is determined by some cultural habits (that is very patriarchial). If not done correctly, they have unending criticisms from their husband, in-laws, parents, or society around them. They have lived for so long under scrutiny and making sure everything is perfect that they can’t take a break. They can’t stop being perfectionists even when there is no one to watch and please. Even if they are accountable to no one but themselves, they hold the standards of their life so high for themselves that they do not know how to stop. To stop doing, stop worrying, stop being perfectionists, or stop their inner critic. They can’t relax, because they were never allowed to and relaxing time meant sitting down and doing some more work. Prep for the next day’s cooking, mending clothes for themselves or anyone around them, prepping garlic, or drying herbs, it is just never-ending.

We wonder why women nag the younger women so much, why they have such high standards for them, and how patriarchy continues in households. It is because of this anxiety. The fear of being criticized by anyone. If it’s not immediate households, it’s family - if it’s not family, it’s society. The idea that “What will the others say” got so ingrained because once upon a time others did say.

I think it is our responsibility to break this cycle of generational trauma that patriarchy has gifted us and take our mental health into our own hands. It is okay if the house is not set to perfection - it means people live in there. It is okay if the food is not exactly how it turned out last time - it means that we live in a changing world and we are human. It is okay to say, I can’t make the dessert, we’ll just have ‘kahawa’ and dates - those make great conversation starters! It means that we don’t have to perfect but also own our imperfections. Because men are never stressed about having friends over!